Anger
by Moultipass1
Summary: The horrible truth is that she has to hold onto her anger as hard as she can, because it's the only thing that keeps her from collapsing. - Short OS set after 2x10


**A/N: Just a short OS set after the season 2 finale. I might be persuaded to write more of this, but first I want to wrap up 'a Flicker of Hope' and 'Prince Gendry and Lady Arya', plus I've started working on a modern AU that's going to be my next priority. Can I just say how much I hate what this fandom is doing to me? I just can't stop writing! **

**Disclaimer: they still don't belong to me :-(**

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She kicks a rock and it goes flying into the river. She's barefoot, so the pain distracts her from her thoughts for a second, but she doesn't find any satisfaction in the brief reprieve. She doesn't find any satisfaction in anything anymore. And that's the heart of the matter. He's noticed. Of course he has. He's stupid and stubborn and slow and dense, but he always notices. She hasn't been able to hide anything from him in... well, since she met him, really. But he usually keeps quiet about what he knows she feels. He knows better than to try and get her to talk about it, and he certainly knows better than to try and take care of her. She can take care of herself, thank you very much. She's proven it more times than she can count in the few weeks they've been on the road, and before that in Harrenhal, and before that on the King's Road, and before that in King's Landing.

But tonight, he was bolder than usual. She doesn't know why. She supposes everyone has a breaking point, she just hadn't expected it from him. Not after everything he's put up with for her. She had sort of assumed that if he did have a breaking point, he'd have reached it long ago.

His words play over and over in her mind and she kicks another rock, desperately wishing that she could get rid of what he said just as easily. But there's no way she's ever going to forget it.

"_When was the last time you felt anything other than anger?"_

She can't even decide if the words are what bother her the most, or if it's the way he said them that got to her, like a whisper, full of sadness and compassion. Had he been accusatory, she would have lashed out at him, she would have punched him, she would have done _something_. Instead, she ran away.

Because the real problem is that he's right. She hasn't felt anything other than anger in forever. She remembers flashes of happiness back in King's Landing. A stray cat she had finally managed to catch, a smile from her father, a rare moment of complicity with her sister, a word of approval from her dancing master.

But the anger had started building up long before that.

The truth is, she's been angry her whole life. Angry at the fate reserved to highborn girls, angry at her mother for the way she treated her half-brother, angry at needlework and manners. Then her life had changed and she'd found more reasons to be angry. Angry at having to leave the only home she had ever known and would ever love, angry at what had happened to her little brother, angry at losing her direwolf. Still it had been nothing compared to how angry she feels now. Angry at her father's death, angry at Jory's death, angry at Syrio's death, angry at Yoren's death, angry at every single person who's had a hand in these murders.

It's a lot of anger for someone so young, even she can admit it.

And now, she's angry at _him_ from bringing it up. She knows she can't hide forever, she will have to go back eventually, and she also knows that he's too stubborn to let it go. No matter how long she wanders in the dark, when she returns to their camp, he will be awake, waiting for her, and he will want to talk about it this time. Just because he's never done that before doesn't mean that she's doesn't know exactly how he's going to react. She knows him too well to hope that he will just forget about it.

And oh how she wishes he would.

Because he knows her too well too, and once he gets past the layers of anger, he will realize the horrible truth.

The horrible truth is that she has to hold onto her anger as hard as she can, because it's the only thing that keeps her from collapsing. There was a time when fear and sadness and even hope were mingled in there somewhere, though they were buried so deep that she hadn't even realized they were here until one day they suddenly weren't.

She sighs, wondering if his knowing this will really be so bad.

She wouldn't be surprised if he already knew. He's much more observant than people, including her, give him credit for. And if he doesn't know already, what will he do with this knowledge anyway? There's no way he could hurt her, even if he wanted to. With this in mind, she purposefully walks back to their camp, her mind made up.

Hot Pie is sleeping, but even from afar, she can see that Gendry's eyes are wide open. He watches her as she makes her way towards him, and he sits up when she slumps down next to him. Neither of them speaks for a few minutes, until she finally relents.

"I ran because I didn't have an answer." He just nods like he knew that she was going to say something like this. "I do now, though." When he looks at her expectantly, she takes a deep breath. "When the Gold Cloak called your name. Do you remember?"

"Of course."

"That day on the King's Road, I was scared for you. It's the last emotion I can remember. Other than anger, I mean."

"I've been scared for you every single day since I met you."

"I know," she acknowledges. "I don't like it."

His smile is small and brief and she wonders if she imagined it. When he speaks, there's no trace of it in his voice.

"And I don't like seeing you so angry that I don't even know if you'll ever feel anything else."

There's a silent question in his eyes, one that she can't answer. She has no idea if she will ever feel anything else again. She only knows that for now, anger suits her, it gives her strength, something that she desperately needs.

"I'm going to kill them."

She doesn't have to tell him who she's talking about. He's heard her list so many times that he can probably declaim it as well as she can.

"You _need_ to be angry," he understands abruptly. She nods, not sure if she's relieved or annoyed that he gets her so easily. But then she realizes. She's neither, and it should make her sad, but it doesn't. "And once you've killed them all?" he asks, and she can't help but notice that he doesn't even consider the possibility that she may not succeed.

This almost brings the shadow of a smile to her lips before the anger takes over once again.

"I suspect the list will keep growing. I will never be done."

"I guess that's as good a plan as any."

"What's yours?"

"You know mine."

Of course she knows his plan. He followed her out of Harrenhal even though he wanted to stay there. He stayed with her even though he was mad at her. He left a semblance of safety behind even though he knew what kind of dangers would be waiting for them on the road. He will go wherever she goes. That's his plan.

"You don't have to, you know."

She's not surprised to hear her own voice waver. She wants him here with her. Most of the time, she finds him infuriating. But sometimes... sometimes she doesn't. Like tonight. He angered her, yes, but he also almost made her smile. Almost.

"Someone has to keep you from killing Hot Pie."

"I guess," she answers unenthusiastically, drawing a chuckle from her companion.

He's quiet for a while after that, and she wonders if he's done with this conversation for today or if he's just trying to figure out the best way to ask his next question.

"Do you _want_ to feel something else?"

"I don't think so," she admits. "Like what? Grief, fear? I'd rather be angry."

"What about happiness?"

"So that I can be crushed when it's taken away?"

Anyone else would tell her that it wouldn't necessarily be taken away, but he's seen too much, and he knows too much about her, to bother with optimism. He just notes, "_I_ haven't been crushed yet."

"And when was the last time you were happy?" she scoffs.

"This morning."

"What?"

He shrugs.

"I'm happy every morning when I wake up and see that you're safe."

She's stunned into silence, and she absentmindedly thinks that surprise is in fact an emotion, but she's too busy trying to process what Gendry just said to really pay attention to that revelation.

"I care about you," he continues. "Don't tell me this comes as a shock."

She shakes her head, as much in answer to his remark as to shake away her surprise at how matter-of-fact he's being about it. She's never been one to express her feelings freely, and she has even more trouble understanding this kind of attitude now that feelings are starting to look more and more like a foreign concept to her. And he's not done yet.

"Yes, I will be crushed if anything happens to you. It doesn't mean it's not worth it."

And there's the anger back. She almost missed her old friend for the few minutes that it was away. He has no right to say something like that, to make her feel unsettled and, Seven Hells, _safe_. Not when she just told him that she doesn't _want_ to feel anything.

"I hate you," she grumbles as she lies down with her back to him, hoping to put an end to the discussion.

She can hear his smug smile when he replies, "Hate's an emotion."

"Shut up!"

His laughter lulls her to sleep, and for the first time in months, she forgets about her list.

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**THE END**


End file.
